Boulevard of Broken Dreams!

Am I Amicable? A Question that haunted me from the last one year and yet I have no answer. The long lasting weekends creep me out with all sorts of disgusting behavior of me and yet I am unanswered. The State of tranquility in my room bothers me a lot. I am preoccupied with thousands of questions which make me numb and outburst results nothing but an insignificant actions which eases my time. The sense of interest in my career, my Job, my health, my family, my friends is completely lost. Sometimes I even wonder how my name justifies me.

This is yet another such moment where I find myself sleepless while I try to regain my lost conscious about me. Last 12 months had moments which I think I can never forget, both the brighter and the harder. More importantly I somehow do not see any value addition. I grew reputation at work which feels satisfying sometimes but more often it never made me happy. The desire of me wanting exciting add-ons has always kept me failed at execution resulting a broken me. I wish I could pen down each and every item but I am sure there is nothing fruitful from it. I am exponentially decreasing in morals and the only thing that lifts me up every day is that a hope which I think can give a 360 degree push.

I always felt that walking down alone in your own boulevard is one phase which everyone undergoes in their life. Most of them will not even realize it as it’s something unplanned. It happens. The only people who find hard to cross this barrier always need a companionship\self motivation which boasts their character and helps you find your way to reach success. But my confused mind always asks a cowardly question. Why can’t I do it myself? I have no vision of future and no control on the present yet I’m slogging hard to cross each day. I don’t need alone time or neither I think a counselor aids my situation. I comfort myself with Time hoping something is going to change. I have no powers to show the world of what I am and neither I’m growing towards it. I disturb my metabolism as it worsens me which deprives me down further.

I am just a toy in a showcase who acts when given a key and sometimes I am not efficient as I am supposed to be. I wonder this is the worst I could be or is there something left to deteriorate. The happier moments doesn’t lift me up while the distressing moments hit me hard. The pandemonium continues as the days pass on. The External appearances I think also have a major role to play here. Perhaps that is the reason I think in my case left me alone but now I am trying hard to save what’s in my hands. I hope that the streak continues as the days pass by.

I wish I was a Selfless soul or a thoughtless body. Awaiting to regain my confidence!

Disregards and Hopeless,

Kushal

PS: This is the saddest of my writings and really appreciate if there are no questions here.